~Trying to Fit In~ Story Version!

Yeah, So I'm writing a story to be published, so i want your opinions. Guess what? I don't care! Nah I joke, I really do. Tell me what you think of chapter one! It's the win right?
If you say no... THE GAME! You lost! Oops


~
Trying to Fit In! (And failing miserably…)


Book 1 - Greeting the Apocalypse.
Perry High

The school we go to is massive, REALLY huge, with around 300 kids in each year, with the years 7 to 11. So in our school we have 1200 pupils. That’s not so big when you look at the school’s size. But somehow, it works. I think if we had any more pupils the teachers would burst. What a funny thought.
Currently we are sat in a dully-blue room, desks around us, papers stacked disorderly on all of them, a large desk in front of us, with a large, bold, smug looking man. He had dull, grey-ish eyes. He had an incredibly arrogant air to him. This is the head masters quarters, Mr Perry, named like all the other masters before him.
He’s babbling on about behaviour, how we should pay more attention to the people around us, more care, my friend Thea snorts. She can’t help but pay attention to those around her…
Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself! Let’s start with who WE are.
Sitting in the far right chair is Emothea, closest to the door the lucky devil, she’s tall with short purple hair, that normally shapes her delicate features nicely, and almost electric blue eyes. She was skinny and couldn’t care less for rules, slightly loopy, a bit of a dreamer and she LOVED to play pranks.
Next to her is Kadaen, handsome as hell, tall with spiky, black hair that looked SO good on him. Unusual red eyes were practically closed as he took in what Mr Perry was saying with slight nods. However, one problem with Kai is he never settles. Always with another girl that one.
To the far right, looking as if this was so not his idea of fun is Dramon, his black-brown hair over his eyes as he listens to what he is being told, normally his eyes would be showing a freaky blue-green colour. He’s sorta cute, sorta geeky, and sorta clever but he breaks all the rules. Including the one saying not to smoke on campus.
Next to him is my closet friend, blood sister and all, Gwenevere, her dark blonde hair is over the back of the chair. It does this strange static like thing, as she gets more bored and agitated with the lecture, just a slight tingle in the tips of her hair. She has unusual eyes that change colour sometimes, from blue, green or hazel. She is slightly shorter than Thea and is also good at working out puzzles. I mean REALLY good.
Finally there is me, Toni, I’m the youngest, I was born just after my friends, like a few hours, I mean we are all 15, jeez, not that young… I am JUST taller than Gwen is and I have dark brown hair, almost black, that I normally use to cover my face, to cover my purple eyes. However, I seem to be the one to get the Witch, Vampire, whatever accusations.
Hey, if only they knew…
Getting ahead of myself again.
So, what did we do? You ask. Well, we were born but how did we pee off Mr. Perry? Well, that’s another story.

It started at break, 10am to 10.30am. We were hanging around as we normally do. Best friends hanging. This would be fine, if we were normal.
Dramon was smoking, watching us with a quiet satisfaction, for some reason he enjoyed it on the area we normally hang. A slightly raised area of grass that was around the back of the school, just out of view of most people. I was lying with my back to the wall, writing poetry, my new past time. I have had so many now, I can’t keep count. This was one of my favourite ones. Thea had her nose scrunched up as she focused on Gwen and Kai, they were probably thinking horribly evil things to win this competition they had going on. Who could ‘think’ the most vivid things. I bet if Dramon tried it, he would win.
Normal? Hey, it is for us, we don’t fit in anywhere because we are different; we find our own amusement, our own fun. Even if it means causing trouble. Hell. It’s all we can do. But where does trouble fit in here? Calm down, I’m getting to that part.
“Hey, Freaks, five us the ball back.” Called a boy around our age, he was one of those popular ones, obnoxious, cocky, sport blackish hair that was styled in stupid ways. This one had boring dull, blue eyes. Ball? Thea shrugged in response, what ball? I wondered, had we been so wrapped up we missed a football?
Dramon had picked it up, studying it, he had a mischievous smirk on his face, he wanted to break it. Any idiot could see that, the dude who had shouted at us looked nervous now as a predator smile lit up Dra’s face.
I thought about it. I honestly considered letting him break the ball. In the end I shook my head, we didn’t need the trouble and the kid was starting to look like a rabbit caught in the headlights. Though we didn’t fit in, though we were freaks, we were all very good looking. Unusually so. Freakishly so. The boy must have plucked up tons of courage to even try and face us. On our own turf too.
Taking the ball from Dramon, I pitched it to the boy, who was beginning to become more of a wuss by the second. He snorted then and walked off, smiling at his friends as if he was some sort of king. His lips moved and I slipped out the way, Thea came flying forward, she was REALLY angry, she grabbed the boy and his feet dangled inches from the floor, heads turned in worry as she almost snarled, “What did you say about my friends?” I wouldn’t be surprised if she had sprouted fangs, but that was just silly. I wanted to reach forward and calm her, but… I just couldn’t, I was frozen and the others were too. This boy was going to get a taste of the odd ones…
His lips quivered, “Nothing, I did-”
“Liar!” She snapped, almost quivering herself, but from rage and upset, she glared as she let him fall to the ground, he fell on his butt and rolled towards his own friends, “Call my friends weirdos or mentally challenged again and I’ll break your arms!” Hell, she wasn’t joking, none of us took kindly to the bullying we received every day. Just because we are different. It’s sort of like racism, but… well. Not as severe. Yet!
I’m not saying we can’t deal with it, as you can see, we ARE scary, even dreamy Thea. We just wish we didn’t have to be. Just wish the people in the school weren’t so prejudiced…
The kid ran off, heading for the staff room I was guessing, or more accurately Mr Perry’s office. Crap. This isn’t good!
Thea drew back, quite worried and surprised with herself. We all marched off dutifully, to the head teachers room as a booming voice yelled, “Miss Zarai, Mr Hughen, Mr Etulo, Miss Ravensance and Miss Heripham, report to the head teachers office immediately.”
So we did. Like good students. God only knows we weren’t.

So now you know what we did. Now let me promise you, it’s hard trying to fit in, never knowing how things will turn out, not knowing what the next day will bring. Not even Dramon knows that.
“Miss Heripham, I asked you a question.” Said Sir, with a look of ‘not again’ on his face. A look he always seemed to have when talking to me and my friends. He liked using it was my opinion. Dramon said it made him look like a puffer fish.
I looked up, “What did you say sir?” I asked, completely oblivious, muffled chuckles from my best friends were heard and sir rolled his eyes.
His face was now a ugly shade of puce, spittle flew from his lips, in slow motion, eww!, as he moaned, “Can you behave yourself in Physical Education?” He repeated, I nodded slowly, not trusting myself to speak, knowing I would have ended up laughing hysterically, more in worry!

“Well that was fun Toni.” Gwen said absently, I nodded, she seemed worried. Something was up and I didn’t know what… Oh God, yes I did! PE, Physical Education, none of us liked it. Not because we can’t do it, we sorta can. We are a bit too good at it, we are faster, stronger and have much more stamina that normal people.
No. We don’t like it because of how we have to pretend to be really bad, pretend to be ridiculously terrible. I don’t like it either. Drives me mad. I mean if we REALLY tried then there would be no Usain Bolt could outrun Kadaen in a 100 metre sprint.
Even with rocket powered shoes. That would be amazingly cool! Seriously.
I looked at my friends, “Let’s TRY not to kill someone.” They nodded, the boys smirked as we smiled at each other and we split up to go to the separate changing rooms. ~

Did you post this somewhere else? Cause I swear I've read this before D: It's really awesome! I wanna read the whole thing D: When you get it published you gotta give me the first copy ;D

Ooh, my Kai is in dere.

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM TIME!

It is, as far as I can see, a relatively short but nice introductory chapter. The characters are described well and the setting is set quickly, but effectively. What I thought you could have done better on is the length, and possibly that the first chapter is produced to introduce the characters and show their personalities through their actions, as well as being described by the writer, and also to show (in this case) that there are secrets being hidden. You could have some minor characters, for example, talking about the main characters behind their backs, eg. “Across the room, two cheeky, young girls poked their heads up a little to see Toni sitting not far away from them. One of them leant down, looked around warily, as if she thought someone was watching them, and pulled the other girl down gently. “Hey, you know Toni?” the first one asked quietly, whispering just loud enough for the other girl to hear. “Yeah, she's, like, WELL weird, inn'she? It's like she's some kind of special person. And-” She was cut short as Toni glanced casually towards them, and they sat up promptly, straightening their backs and trying to look as normal as possible. One of the looked sideways and still saw Toni looking, and she jerked her up back up so straight she hit the stomach on the table.”

^ +1

Thanks Aru I'ma type it all up first and then I can go over and fiddle. And yeah Ferg, Ok. I'll sign it too

What is +1?

Basically, "I agree with the above statement."

froggyman75 wrote:Did you post this somewhere else? Cause I swear I've read this before D: It's really awesome! I wanna read the whole thing D: When you get it published you gotta give me the first copy ;D

She's been lugging the hard copy around for like two years, and using anyone she can as proof readers.

Yeah, and you have to find me and get me it too, Toni. You can see me from miles away - I'm the big blue cat guy on two legs.

Lol. I'll be sure to tour for you Aru XD If i'm honest then I really suck at writing but hell. Worth a try.
Haha. Dan is right Ferg, I have. But now i have book two to write while I type book one. Which is taking TOO long :k
So yeah. I need to type book one up and send out copies for people to read for me

How long would it take you to type it up? I can help you type it up at school or something if you want me to as, y'know, I'm a super-duperly fast typer ;D

If the post she's trying to do now is anything to go by, decades.

Lol.

I can type mildly fast... but not fast enough to type an essay in 1/2 an hour...

I want to punch you Dan, I was distracted... And nah, Sorreh Ferg, I edit while I type

YAS! Punch Dan!

I do tend to edit while I type too.

Doh D: Okay >.> Don't accept my help then ):<

I'm sorreh Ferg D8 I would ask for your help but you don't know what I think while I type so it's hard

I could type it up and then you go through it and edit it after? D:

Oh... I was just thinking that actually :S That would work :*

Ooh. Sounds like a... you know, partnership?
(loljokes)
And I could go through and look at it when you're done to help yez with it, yes?

Sure Although it really strayed from the RP xD lol. Mainly because it DIIIIIIED D8 *flail*

But yeah, When It's done I need to get proof readers, *pokes Dan*


http://draconisblog.blogspot.com/2010/10/so.html

Check that, It be a short story Dan knows the story behind it XD

*flail*

*is poked.*
...
*dies*

I blame you for my nightmares of Biology Dan :K

Hey, why not Nick D:

BTW. Grats on post 700.