I need some help...

I (and some other people which won't work on it any more) have to finish up a script for Media Studies and I can't think of a suitable ending/cliffhanger or something. And, when you read this, can you please comment on how good/not good it is?

PS. Sorry about how it's set out, it looks better on the document, I promise.

Media Studies Homework 21/10/10 Script for fictional television drama

(background music = faint Owl City – Fireflies)

(footsteps. Door opening, and bell ringing)

Pam : (kind of cheery, sound faint as if far away) Hey honey!

(child running quickly down stairs)

John : (sounding energetic, and bouncing up and down as he says it) Hey brother! Hey, I wanna show you something!
Kadaen: (in a “don't care” tone) Huh? Oh, what is it?
John: (emphasis on the last word, a bit frustrated) It's in the woods, come on!

(Kadaen sighs)

Kadaen: (a bit annoyed) I have lots of homework... let's make it quick...

(background music gets louder after thump of bag being dropped. Noise of two people sprinting out of a door which slams, and soon the vroom of a car. The running continues as the music fades out and is replaced with the sounds of a wood – trees rustling in the wind and birds singing. A thump, and then a rustle of dead leaves)

John: (whispering loudly) Get down on your hands and knees like me, OK?

(Kadaen grunts and a small rustle of leaves is heard. In the background, there is a loud thump over the other noises)

Kadaen: (slightly frightened) John, what was that?
John: (reasonably far away, loud whisper) Shh! And hurry up! You might miss it!

(Kadaen sighs and a long rustle of leaves is heard, then another loud thump. A little while after that the rustling stops)

John: (quietly) Look!
(pause. Another thump)

Teen 1: (clearly mad, but speaking like a chav) Take this, you double-crossing prossie!

(Thump. Teen 2 laughs)

Teen 2: (still laughing) Go on, give it to 'er, boi!
Teen 1: (angrily, sneering) Shut up. If you like it so much, why don't you do it yerself, innit?

(Thump. Teen 2 huffs)

Kadaen: (shocked but quiet) Oh my god... what are they doing to her? She's naked!

(Thump. A bizarre, inhuman giggling noise is heard. Long pause. The background noises suddenly fade out)

Teen 2: (a mixture of fear and confusion) I 'erd someone, man!
Teen 1: (sniggering) Shut up, you wimp, and 'old 'er down!

(Thump. A girl's pathetic and worn-out cry is heard. Both teens snarl)

Teen 1: (getting even madder) Shut up and die, you stupid -

(Thump)

Teen 1: (furious) - test-tube -

(Thump)

Teen 1: (still furious) - failure!

(the girl starts sobbing pitifully, and a loud rustling of leaves is heard)

John: (heroically) You stop that right this second, you fiends!

(long pause. Then one of the teens laughs)

Teen 2: (laughing a bit) Hey, look at this one, man, this kid is so cute! Maybe we could... you know, give him to -

(a loud rustling interrupts him)

Kadaen: (quiet and protectively) You'll give him to me and it'll stay that way, and maybe I won't call the cops on you this time.

(both teens burst out laughing. Their laughing continues for a long time)

Teen 1: (still recovering from the laughter) It's that retard kid with the retard name!
Teen 2: (also recovering) Yeah yeah yeah, what was it now, huh? Moby Dick? Xing Wing Dong? Bĵorn Eriksson?

(they laugh again. When they stop, Kadaen sighs, frustrated)

John: (still acting heroic) You should stop paining that girl! She's very painful!
Kadaen: (correcting him) Pain is when YOU get hurt, OK? She's hurt, yes?
John: (answer dawning on him) Oh, OK.

(both teens laugh)

Teen 1: (a bit annoyed, but still laughing a bit) Hey Xing Wing Dong. I need to make sure you don't grass us up, so give me yer phone.
Kadaen: (also annoyed) I don't have it.

(pause. After a small while, a phone starts to ring. Both teenagers laugh)

Kadaen: (muttering angrily to himself) Oh dammit... I really hate you, Heather... why now...?
Teen 2: (suddenly serious) Man, if you know what's good for you -

(he is cut off by a loud, inhuman laugh, like the one before but getting louder. The girl screams, and then the voice starts screeching. John also starts screaming. The teens are silent, and Kadaen is trying to calm John down)

Kadaen: (frightened as well as furious) You guys, what the HELL is that? Some stupid prank of yours?

(the screeching starts to get louder, and there is no reply from either of the teens. John is now wailing)

John: (through screams and sobs) The eyes! The eyes! The-

(everything stops abruptly)

Kadaen: (casually) My name is Kadaen. I know, my name sounds weird, but that's because my Dad came from Finland and he said it was a normal name over there. I did check, and it didn't come up in any name records anywhere, so I really do wonder why I was called it sometimes. I don't mind either way. And I do get people taking the piss, of course, but that really doesn't bother me. Anyway, I'm 14, I'm very pubescent, I have an annoying 7-year old brother and I live in Northumberland, where the normal weather is freezing wind and rain. I like lots of stuff, mainly Drama at school and also Media Studies, and also I like Heather. Heather's my girlfriend, and we spend a lot of time together. I hate chavs, and my dad, but that might be because I was brought up with my mum – the one that was divorced. Oh well. Was that a bad introduction? I hate introductions. So? Not many people like me anyway.

(music begins: “We don't speak Americano” by Yolanda be Cool)

(up and down squeaks of an adjustable chair bouncing in time to the music)

Pam: (yelling, quite faint) Hey, hey! You're gonna break through the ceiling in a minute! You stop bouncing right now!

(Pam continues to shout. Kadaen speaks over all sounds clearly)

Kadaen: (casual, like before) That's my mum, Pamela, or Pam, or mum. She's always nice to me and my little brother, but she does like to yell when she gets the ` opportunity, but so does everyone. My dad left her just after John was born. I don't know why – I think that I was too young to understand their under-the- cover relationships, and I doubt I will ever find out. I don't mind – like I said, my mum has brought me up to hate him, and I can't remember anything that we did together at all.

(small pause)

Kadaen: (slowly, solemnly) Some part of me tells me I don't want to, but I can't think why.

(door opens and slams against wall)

John: (screaming happily) Whoa! Nice music!

(again Kadaen talks over the screaming of John, the shouting of his mother and the BGM*)

Kadaen: (casual again, emphasis on underlined words) That's John, my little brother. Apparently his name is normal because my mum got to choose his name. He's 7, and he really enjoys sucking my spare time away like some kind of vampire that steals all your – ahem – private time. He really loves playing when he's not being homeschooled, especially in the woods down the road from our house. I don't think he actually hates anything but that storybook I read to him not long ago. It had a picture in it of two blood-red, devilish eyes staring at a little boy from the shadows of an alley. He screamed when he saw the picture and tossed the book across the room, and asked for it to be exorcised and burnt before he went to bed that night. So my mum and I pretended to be priests and pretended to exorcise the book and burn it, because mum says it's better to face your fears when you're older, and we needed to keep it for that reason.

(the music continues for a while, then stops. The scream of John starts again, and both Kadaen and Pam are speaking in soft voices to try and calm him down)

Pam: (serious, frightened) Kadaen, what happened in there? In the woods, I mean?
Kadaen: (quiet, shaky) I... the girl was being beaten up by two chavs and John tried to save her -
Pam: (interrupts, quite happy) Oh, brave boy...
Kadaen: (continuing) – And they said they'd take him to someone so I jumped up and got John safe, then the chavs yelled at me and I yelled at them and then this really, really freaky noise started up and screeched at us and the girl screamed and John saw the eyes -
Pam: (interrupting again) So that's what's scared him...
Kadaen: (slightly frustrated, continuing) Yeah, OK, and then the chavs pelted it out of the woods and I grabbed John and the girl and took them here and now I'm here, OK?


(slight pause. John wails, and the girl coughs a couple of times)

Pam: (calm and caring) Oh, yes, I'll get you some clothes. Sorry if they're a bit big, but we don't have any clothes smaller than mine. Is that alright?

(the girl makes a faint, weak “mm-hmm” noise, and footsteps are heard getting further away. They stop after a small bit)

Pam: (proud) Kadaen... well done.

(the steps continue again, then fade to nothing. A pause. Then the phone from before goes off again. A slight grunt, then a rustling of change and a beep)

Kadaen: (apologetically) Heather! Hi, I -
Heather: (interrupting, slightly angry, clear) What happened? I called you and you didn't pick up! I thought you were my boyfriend!
Kadaen: (apologetic) Yeah, I'm real sorry, seriously, I was in a bad situation with some chavs and my little brother...
Heather: (still quite angry, but calming) Come on, it's that excuse EVERY TIME!
Kadaen: (serious) Yeah, but this time I mean it. Serious. No jokes.

(deep sigh from Heather, then loud footsteps stomping down stairs and coming towards the mike)

Pam: (sympathetic) There ya go, honey. Is that nice? Here, it's a teensy bit big but it'll be OK, you want to look taller, hey?
Kadaen: (a bit embarrassed) You heard that?
Heather: (a bit cheerier) Yeah, what was that about?
Kadaen: (casual) Want the whole story?
Heather: (sounding excited) How bad is it?
Kadaen: (thoughtful, also excited) Hmm... a little bit.
Heather: (very excited) How much popcorn will I need?

(both laugh. Kadaen starts to explain and it fades away)

That's it so far, but I need to do a bit more.

Yeah, I was just a weee bit confused. Lol, Dan's better to ask for this sorta thing but on a whole it's pretty good... Ending?
Well. How do you plan on ending it/How long has it gotta be?

Well, it doesn't have to be any longer than this really, and it's supposed to end on a cliffhanger, whatever that is.

Why doesn't she come over, maybe you sit down and the girls tells you something that stuns you both? *thinks*

Draconis wrote:Yeah, I was just a weee bit confused. Lol, Dan's better to ask for this sorta thing but on a whole it's pretty good... Ending?
Well. How do you plan on ending it/How long has it gotta be?

You're too kind. ^^

I like it. It fills the audience in without giving much away and it sounds natural, unlike some scripts I've seen. The laughing and eyes thing just begs for a cliffhanger, it must be said, so if you're looking for one I'd start there.

O.o Wow, someone likes my idea of the laughing.
Everyone said it would be rubbish.
Brb, I'm going to go and pee on their gardens.
….
Back.
And I have a sort of an idea, but it's not a very good one.
No.
It isn't.
…
It's where some random girl called Toni appears and blows up the world.
Is that good?

You do that, develop that in the right way and it'll be great That sounds like a good idea actually, and Kadaen has to stop her? Or is he just a spectator?

Haha, Typical, Toni always ends the world :K

*flails*

He's the main character, but he has no power at all whatsoever.
I'm not going to do the Toni thing, after all. I know, it SOUNDS like a good idea, but it has to make some kind of sense. Having some random girl blowing up the whole WORLD is a bit over the top, don't you agree? I think I'll go with something simpler. I have a few ideas to put forward, my main one is the following, and after that some other ideas:

1)Limestone quarrying. I've positioned the characters in a place rich with limestone, and the quarrying (obtaining) is noisy and destructive. I could say that the family and some others protest against the quarrying every day or something like that to try and stop it happening, and then something will happen that seems dramatic enough to leave the listeners on edge.
2)Another limestone quarrying idea – but they're moving forward to destroy the woods, which has angered the civilians and the thing in the woods.
3)John (the little brother) goes into the woods and vanishes, and Kadaen has to search for him.
4)Some detectives come and question Kadaen, John and their mother about the abuse and something happens.
5)The chavs decide to get revenge! (lolwut)
6)A completely different thing, which I can't think of.

PS. This is an audio script, as you've probably noticed, not a full television script with stage directions and camera angles and lighting.

Options 3 and 4 sound good. And to be honest, you've already incorporated half a supernatural element into it, so go crazy

Oh yeah...
Hehehehehhhh.....

Yeah, I got the supernatural vibe and we all know Toni gets these well
But 4 is good and 3. I liek dem

Ok... I've been through the script twice and I've decided to use option number...


....

3!

....

and 4!

That's right, the detectives come and question the family, and then John vanishes. Sound alright to yez people?